Day after day I am more confused, yet I look for the light in the pouring rain. You know thats a game I had to lose..and I am feeling the strain...oh what a shame...Oh give me the beat boys, and free my soul I want to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away...I am beggining to think that I am wasting time..i dont' understand the things I do..the world outside looks so unkind..but I am couting on you..you can carry me through..I want to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away...
I'm pretty fortunate to have as many as I do...
I'm pretty lucky to have as many "good" ones as I do..
I'm pretty happy with my friends with "benifits"...
I'm pretty fucking stressed out with some of them though.....
*eerie kung fu music cue in*
My bestest friends are amazing, totally supportive and always there for me..To lend a hand, a ride, a drink and even some fucky paintings.
R has changed a bit over the last while, becomming more of a "young adult" than the teeny bopper drink with both fists don't mess with me, can I come to the Island to get trashed too" girl I remember back in the day. Her maturity is actually quite commendable though really. She's a hottie with a brain, ambition and a "dont' mess with me attitude." Who wouldn't respect the hell out of her?
M is a mommy now, and although I thought I would hate every minute of not being her center of attention..I've grown to actually love the baby, and M in the mommy role. She does it so well, that it actually scares me to think that someday I could be in her shoes...Oh how badly I would fuck that up..But whats really great about M is that no matter what she always makes time to entertain me...(in one way or another.)
Meredith is all the way in England, and if you read the previous post you know all too well that I'm not. I miss her like mad and want her to come home like NOW (stomps feet)
Mickey is actually good old Mickey..she doesn't really do anything that upsets me or irritates me...And that's saying something. Shes stable, and I like that due to my contant instabilities..Right now I'm trying to talk her into going to Hells with me to get drunk..I don't forsee it happening but I love the way she humours me with maybes....Oh that Mickey and her constant teasing..
Then theres C...
God how it frustrates me to no end to watch full and utter self destruction. Someone who has such potential just letting it all wash away like last weeks flat wine. And the more she defends it the more annoyed I become. I find myself getting more and more adjetated with myself for beating and harping the way I do, due to the present situation but then again I just find it so damn hard to keep my mouth shut when I'm staring down the mouth of the barrel. Is it possible to love someone to pieces and still hate them for it at the same time?
I feel as though I'm in some kind of love triangle, where I know it's time to let go yet my hands are stuck on the grip of the tarzan rope that holds us together? I want to do what's right and stand by her, but I just can't...yet I can't let go either..So our friendship is stuck in this strange pergatory where I never know if I should answer when I see her name on my call display or just ignore it?
In any other sitaution with any of the above people we could discuss it over beer and nachos and be cool enough to share reality t.v stories the next day? But with C, it's different...It could be this huge wall that seperates what we really want to say and feel..Or maybe it's that I've been where she is, and I know what she's doing will eventulally burn her, I'm merely trying to prevent the stinging sensation that follows every burn...with or without the solarcaine..
But in reality, I have my own problems and demons to worry about..I can't put energy that I don't have into something that isnt' solar efficient? I'm a mere mortal, and this is the work cut out for Tess from Touched By An Angel?
All of my friends have their dramas...And I have always been able to comfort them in their moment of need..I did that for C, but now I feel the worse is yet to come...
If you're reading this..
I love you, and I care more than words can express..I just can't find a remedy to any of this turmoil..Does that make me a bad person?
I'm not particularly sure what it makes me?
But I'd like to think that my writting this shows that I'm atleast trying to make peace wtih something?
Friends...Really..should we take on their problems as though they are our own the way the dollorama fridge magnets say we do? Or should we follow the "tough love" venture that our parents preach?
It simply has to be the single most self damaging thing that can happen to a young girl.
I haven't been rejected by a boy, a girl, a friend, foe, loan or even for a job position...
I have been rejected by a foreign country...
For the fucking 3rd time!
And a friendly country at that! I mean if it were ...say Iraq or even Japan I could atleast take comfort in knowing that 1 in 3 feel this same unbearable rejection...
But fucking England?
And 3 times?
What does one do to piss off the English?
I love David Beckams hair
I even own a Spice Girl c.d
There is no bigger Lennon fan?
I crush on Prince William
I have not one not two but 3 Robbie Williams c.ds
I watch Cornation Street (in the closet but I do!)
I have a belt with their flag on it? (it's very 3 years ago but I haven't desecrated it in any way?)
I forgave George Michael for Wham...
*Chrissie left me...
*I cut off all the hair..
*Then I went brunette!
*Then Chrissie came back..
*Then I broke the strap off of my favourite shoes!
*Then Chrissie came back much earlier than anticipated.
*I bit my tongue (metaphorically)in a situation that normally "Lanti" would suffer from "verbal diarhea!"
And speaking of diarhea....
As of tomorow I will be trained to save lives! Oh yeah...Scary thought? Is it not?
Quite frankly I'm scared for the publics saftey..
Oh yeah..
and I even get a cool card that says so! This is some way makes up for my lack of drivers license! *snickers*
This page is just downright ugly..and I have sat down a thousand times to make it more attractive..or atleast appealing to the eye..
But..
Then I sit and think..."Holy shit that would be a lot of work..and I have papers..and so many other things to do!"
And the neglect continues..
Thus, causing me to not want to update as often...
It's just so god damn ugly?
So, my mission for the month of July..
1)Lay off the alchol...or atleast narrow it down to like 2 (maybe 3) times a week.
2)Work on this page.
3)Try to get through a month of pure and utter stress.
4)Figure out what in the hell October holds for Lanti.
5)Learn some kind of domestic ability...something to get me through to 30.
6)See a lot of awesome movies that are about to come out this month! I'm a sucker for a blockbuster..*hangs head*
7)Try not to miss Chrissie like crazy, but look forward to her return..And "Merideth too!"
Jeesh, sounds busy..
Well, it's about bed time. It can wait till tomorow right?
